What do you think of my new poem?

It's very good...yes maybe some tweeking but Micheal saying "This poem seems tailor made to rhyme" is wrong. Mike you do know what rhyme is ....I'm sure you do and this is not. Dani you are trying to write something powerful and I hope this is not your story...but if it is... or not, keep working on it until it becomes your own work.....when all you have to say and all the feelings are out there. The only person you have to make happy with your writing is yourself. I think it;s great! ;-) Keep on writing!